A Secret of the Heart (Amish Secrets--Book 3) Read online

  “Tomorrow. Tommy, will you…pray for me?” She had to enlist the prayers of somebody. She felt her own weren’t reaching past the ceiling.

  “Pray? Lil, you know I don’t pray. Listen, there’s no need to be nervous. You’ll be fine, baby.”

  Tears pricked her eyes. Thomas didn’t understand. It had nothing to do with anxiety. No, sheer terror could only describe her emotional state at present.

  <><><>

  Lillianna was surprised by how much she enjoyed traveling by airplane. Perhaps being around a crowd of people brought a sense of comfort. It had been her first time in the friendly skies, since air travel was verboten, except in extreme circumstances like Carolanne’s. Her heart ached for her friend’s companionship. If she’d still been alive and healthy, surely Lillianna would have shared her woes. What advice would Carolanne have given?

  Candace had become a friend, but she could only share certain things with her perpetrator’s wife. She had been able to confide in Candace about Thomas and her home life, and for that she felt grateful. But she couldn’t see herself ever telling Candace about what Clay had done. To do so would not only force Thomas out of receiving his treatments, but it would also tear a family apart.

  Sometimes the right path to take is not always illuminated with bright lights. Oftentimes the path is shrouded with a heavy fog. And sometimes sacrificing for others meant persecution, abuse, and bodily harm. Lillianna thought of Jesus and the suffering He’d gone through on the cross. Suddenly, her situation didn’t seem so bad. She would take Jesus’ hand and let Him lead her through this; it was the only way she could possibly see her way out of the darkness.

  When Lillianna discovered she’d have her own room on the cruise ship, a burden lifted. Of course, the room would be right next door to the Stevenson family’s. She didn’t relish being that close to Clay. In fact, if she never saw him again it would be a dream come true.

  The sheer vastness of the ship was a shock to Lillianna. She had had no idea how large cruise ships were and she guessed Noah’s Ark to have been of similar size.

  “What are those smaller boats for?” She pointed to several rescue boats on the upper decks.

  “Those are life boats,” Clay explained. “If the ship starts to sink, that will be how we escape. Ever heard of the Titanic?”

  Lillianna shook her head.

  “It was a large luxury cruise ship like this one. It hit an iceberg and began filling with water. They didn’t have enough life boats for everyone to escape, so a lot of passengers drowned in the sea.” He rubbed his chin. “Wow, I can’t believe you’ve never heard of the Titanic.”

  “Did you watch this on television?” Lillianna followed as Clay and Candace led the way to their rooms.

  “I think they have a news special on every time the anniversary rolls around. It sank in the early 1900s, I believe. There are many books and even a couple of movies about it.”

  “So there will be enough boats for us to escape?”

  Clay chuckled. “It’s not likely to happen, but I believe they’re required by law now to have enough life boats to rescue the passengers if need be.”

  “Here we are,” Candace informed her.

  Lillianna peeked into her room while the Stevenson family entered theirs. She hadn’t known what to expect, but it was quite a bit smaller than what she’d envisioned. Nonetheless, it was pleasant and sufficient for her needs. She especially enjoyed the unique touches the crew had created for her, like the towel shaped like a swan and the candy on her pillow.

  Candace had said that Lillianna would be caring for the children for a good portion of the cruise. She handed her a list of activities for children and their dates and times. The children usually took a nap after lunch, so she’d have to stay in the cabin while they napped.

  “You can choose which activities to take them to, but they will especially enjoy the game room and the bowling alley. They’ll love the water park too, just make sure you are with them the whole time. Only take them to the small kiddie pool where they can walk around, not the larger pool with the older children. And be sure to take them to the arts and crafts class,” Candace said. “If they seem tired or start getting cranky, bring them back to the cabin.”

  Lillianna nodded, attempting to remember everything Candace had suggested.

  “And whatever you do, don’t let them out of your sight and don’t let them run around on the ship. I’ll explain all the rules to them and tell them that you’re in charge, but you’ll probably have to remind them from time to time.”

  “When would you like for me to watch them?” Lillianna eyed her bed, thinking a nap sounded great.

  “Feel free to relax for the time being. Clay and I want to tour the ship with the children and make sure everything is safe and sanitary in the play areas. We’ll probably be quite a while and we plan to nap when we return. Or you’re welcome to come with us, if you’d like.”

  “No, thank you. I think I’ll rest for a while.”

  <><><>

  The children were bursting with energy after their craft-time activity and Lillianna debated on whether it would be a good idea to allow them to attend the cupcake-decorating class. A rush of sugar was the last thing they needed. Would Candace be disappointed if she didn’t take them? She’d mentioned the class earlier and raved about how much the children would enjoy it. Lillianna sucked in a breath and decided she probably should take them if their mother wanted them to go.

  This evening, Candace informed her that the children would be retiring early because she and Clay had in mind to attend a special dinner. Apparently, they’d run into friends who they hadn’t seen in a while so they planned to spend time with them. That was quite all right with Lillianna. This cruise ship provided too much activity for her taste.

  At least the food provided had been delicious. Lillianna continued to be amazed at the extravagance. It seemed everything was an art – even the food. Some of the fruit and vegetables took the form of animals or flowers. A giant block of ice had been carved into a dolphin sculpture. There was food enough to eat as much as you wanted and it didn’t surprise her that many of the guests were overly plump. Fortunately, though, many of the food choices were nutritious.

  “Clay and I will be leaving shortly to meet our dinner guests. Feel free to let the children watch a movie, and then they can go to bed. We’ll be out late,” Candace informed her.

  “Okay.”

  “I can bring something back for you. Something to drink – tea, water, or juice?”

  Lillianna smiled. Candace was always so thoughtful. “I would like some juice.”

  “Is that it? I can bring some snacks too,” Candace offered.

  “That sounds gut.”

  “All right. I’ll be back in just a little bit.”

  Lillianna watched as Clay and Candace made their way in the direction of one of the dining areas. It looked like this evening would be a pleasant one. Tomorrow would be their last. She did as Candace suggested and put a children’s movie on for Calvin and Camille. The children had been well behaved most of the time, for which she was thankful.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  A knock on the door reminded Lillianna about her request for a drink and a snack. Candace must’ve brought them already. She pulled open the door.

  “Clay?” She frowned. Not who she desired to see on her doorstep.

  “Candace was busy talking so she sent me with your drink,” he said. “Here’s your O.J.”

  Apparently, he’d forgotten the snack.

  She took the drink from his hand, nodded, and abruptly shut the door. No need to give Clay any ideas.

  Lillianna overheard Clay talking to the children in the room next door. There was a door between the two rooms so one could be easily accessed from another. Candace had said it would be fine to leave the children to watch the movie so long as she kept their main door locked and she could hear them. Until she heard Clay, she’d left the door open. She’d leave it closed until she
was certain he’d gone.

  Several moments later, she could only hear the children’s movie. She opened the door to peek in and see if Clay had gone. Fortunately, he had. Lillianna yawned, beginning to feel drowsy. She glanced at the alarm clock near her bed, but the numbers were blurred. Why did she feel this way?

  Another knock on the door informed her she should answer. She slothfully moved toward the door and pulled it open.

  Clay had returned.

  <><><>

  Lillianna awoke with a massive headache. She attempted to sit up, but her body seemed to ache all over. What was going on? Was she coming down with the flu?

  “Lilly, are you okay?” Candace leaned over her bed.

  She could barely catch her breath. “I…I think so.”

  “Do you need to stay here and rest a while longer? Clay and the children and I are going to the theater to watch a show. Do you want us to go without you?”

  Lillianna nodded.

  After the Stevensons left, she attempted to go back to sleep but she couldn’t. Other than feeling lousy, she had difficulty recalling the events of the night before. As a matter of fact, she couldn’t remember going to bed. She rubbed her temples attempting to bring back some sort of recollection. The last thing she remembered was…Clay. He’d brought her juice.

  The door adjoining the two rooms swung open and Clay stood in the midst.

  “Are you okay?” He seemed concerned.

  “You did something, didn’t you?”

  Clay smirked. “I’ll never tell.” He came and sat at the edge of her bed.

  She poked a finger in his chest. “You…you put something in my drink.”

  “Think what you want.” He shrugged.

  “I know you did,” Lillianna insisted.

  “Trust me, baby, you enjoyed it as much as I did. Every minute of it.” He reached out to touch her cheek, but she quickly turned away.

  “I don’t know how you sleep at night,” she said in disgust.

  “Rather well, actually. Of course, if you’d join me willingly I think I could sleep even better.” He raised his eyebrows twice in quick succession. “What do you say just the two of us get away for a few days? Wherever you want to go.”

  “Never.”

  “We’ll see about that.” He opened the door to exit her room. “We can discuss this later. My wife and kids are waiting for me in the auditorium. Think on my proposal.”

  If Lillianna’s head didn’t ache so much, she’d want to roll around on the floor, kick her feet, and scream. She knew a tantrum wouldn’t help her situation, but it sure would make her feel better. Would this nightmare never end?

  <><><>

  Upon arriving home from their cruise, Lillianna discovered she’d received a letter from her sister and her mother. She opened Mamm’s first. Mamm had shared news of their Amish community and spoke of how much she missed Lillianna and wished she’d return home. She also said that she understood why Lillianna was doing what she was doing, but she didn’t approve of it. Despite that fact, Lillianna was surprised at the mostly positive message. She knew Mamm cared and desired for her to come home. Lillianna was feeling more than a little homesick herself.

  Mandy’s letter had been quite different. It was short – just a couple of sentences.

  Dear Lilly,

  I don’t know if you’ve heard the news yet or not. Samuel Beachy died yesterday in a buggy accident. His funeral is in a couple of days. Thought you’d want to know.

  Your Sister,

  Amanda

  P.S. I bet Carolanne is happy.

  Lillianna set the note down and sank into her bed. It seemed unreal that Samuel was actually gone. She’d just seen him a few weeks ago. Apparently, it hadn’t been God’s will for the two of them to marry. If Lillianna was honest with herself, she’d admit that having Samuel Beachy as a back-up plan had given her a sense of comfort.

  What would happen now if Tommy died? To the Englisch, it was not such a big deal to be Lillianna’s age and unmarried. But to the Amish, having a husband and a houseful of kinner meant you’d found favor with Der Herr. And at her age, she was considered an old maid.

  Lillianna walked to the closet and removed the quilt that Samuel had given her. She held it close to her bosom and inhaled the familiar scent, whispering a brief prayer for his family. She was reminded once again just how fragile life was. One day you could be talking with someone, and the next day they would be gone. Death was difficult to grasp, but it was a fate that we all must meet someday. Carolanne and Samuel had been ready and she felt she was too, but what of Thomas? Nee, she didn’t think Thomas was ready for eternity.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Lillianna brought a shaky hand to her mouth. She stared down at the pregnancy test again and tears pricked her eyes. It was bound to happen sooner or later. No! Why, God? I don’t understand why You would allow this to happen. What am I going to do? How am I going to tell Thomas?

  A light knock sounded on the door and Lillianna quickly set the pregnancy test inside the drawer. “Coming!” she called from the bathroom.

  She pulled the bedroom door open and frowned at Clay Stevenson. What did he want?

  “My family is going out of town again this weekend.” He smirked. “I thought you’d want to know so you can be prepared. Oh, and I bought a little something I’d like you to wear,” he spoke in low tones, and reached to caress her neck.

  Lillianna cringed and stepped back from his touch. Was there no end to this man’s depravity? “I won’t wear it. You know I won’t,” she protested. Oh, Thomas, I wish you’d come back soon. When would she wake up from this nightmare?

  “We’ll see. I love it when you play hard-to-get.” He caressed her cheek and she hastily turned away. The congressman chuckled, then turned to go.

  “Wait!” Lillianna called.

  Clay turned around and raised his eyebrows.

  “I’m pregnant,” she blurted out.

  He mumbled a curse under his breath. Clay stepped into her room and closed the door behind him. He spoke calmly, “I’ll take care of it. I know a doctor. I’ll take you in first thing next week.”

  “A doctor? I said I’m pregnant, I don’t need to see a doctor.” She’d known many Amish women who’d never once seen a doctor their entire pregnancy. A doctor was only necessary if there were complications.

  “He’ll get rid of it for us.” Clay looked at her pointedly. “You’re getting an abortion.”

  She shook her head adamantly. “No, I won’t do it. Never. You can’t make me. I won’t do it!”

  “Calm down before my wife and kids hear you,” he hissed. He turned back to the door. “On second thought, maybe we should wait a while longer so this doesn’t happen again.”

  Lillianna frowned.

  “We’ll discuss this later.” He pulled the door open to exit and his wife stood in front of him.

  “Oh, did I interrupt something?” Candace asked.

  Lillianna bit her lip.

  Clay bent down and kissed his wife on the lips. “No, honey. I was just informing Lilly here that we are going out of town again this weekend. I closed the door because I didn’t want to wake the children.” He raised his eyebrows and winked at his wife. “I can’t wait.”

  Lillianna felt like rolling her eyes. How can this man be so double-minded? Does Candace actually believe his words?

  Candace smiled. “I’m so glad I married you.”

  Apparently so.

  “And I, you.” Clay slowly kissed her lips again. He raised his eyebrows and cocked his head toward their bedroom. Candace smiled and nodded.

  Lillianna looked away in disgust.

  Clay stepped out of the room and pulled the door closed. It opened again within a split second. “Oh, Lilly. I forgot to tell you that Thomas called. He’d like for you to call him back this evening,” Candace said, and handed her the cordless phone. Lillianna realized she must’ve left it downstairs again.

  Lillianna nodded and set the p
hone down on her nightstand. “Thank you. I will call him.”

  She shut the door and clenched her fists tightly. Ugh, Clay’s such a jerk! Lillianna felt bile rising in her throat and ran to the bathroom. This pregnancy wasn’t going to be easy by any stretch of the word.

  <><><>

  Lillianna stared at the phone in her hand. She’d been in the same position for ten minutes now. What would she say to Thomas? And how? She’d previously decided to not even mention the rape, but now she had no choice but to tell him. God, please help me.

  As she slowly dialed the number, her hands trembled.

  “Hey, sweetie!” Thomas’ voice on the line was so soothing. She’d give anything to have him home and healthy.

  “Hi.” She couldn’t manage much more. Several seconds passed.

  “You’re quiet tonight. Need to talk about something?”

  She let out a sob.

  “Hey, now. What’s wrong, Lil? Are you crying?”

  “Thomas, I…I’m...” Lillianna glanced down at her belly. She thought of Clay’s words about cutting off the money for Tommy’s treatment.

  “You’re what?”

  “I-I just miss you so much, Tommy.” She held back another sob.

  “I miss you too, baby. I can’t wait to get home and marry you. You know I love you, don’t you?”

  Lillianna ached to tell him the truth, but how could she? She knew if she told Thomas, he’d rush home right away, forsake his treatments – the only hope he had of becoming whole again, and rescue her. Oh, how she longed to be rescued! But not at the expense of losing Tommy. She’d go through anything to see Thomas well again, even if it meant dealing with Clay Stevenson. “I love you too. Tommy...” She sniffled. “Please come home soon.”

  “As soon as I can. Not a moment longer.” Lillianna heard voices in the background. Thomas spoke again, “Listen, I’ve gotta go, Lil. Tonight’s video night. It’s part of the program. We’ve been watching health videos and I’m learning a lot. I have so much to tell you when I get home.”