A Secret of the Soul (Amish Secrets--Book 6) Read online

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Elam raked his hand through his hair. He’d never second-guessed himself so much in his life. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Zach! Have I lost my sanity?”

  “I’m sorry, Elam, but I have no idea how to help you.” Zach frowned. “Sometimes, the right thing to do seems like the wrong thing and vice versa.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know. It’s just...when Rosanna came into my life, I wanted nothing more than to get to know her—to court her. I just knew she was the one for me. I fell for her hard. But when I saw that John was thinking of leaving the Amish, I couldn't imagine life without my best friend. He showed an interest in Rosanna and I knew that if he fell in love with her, he’d stay. It was a tough decision, because I knew that I could probably win Rosanna’s heart if I pursued her. So I did what I thought was the unselfish thing—whether the right or wrong thing, I don't know—and I stepped out of the way. And you know how the rest of our story goes.”

  “I’m sure that was tough.”

  “The hardest thing I’ve ever done. We’ve gone through so much, but each trial has made us stronger.”

  “I sure never thought I'd go back to the Amish.”

  Zach chuckled. “And I never dreamed I'd become Englisch. You just never know what's going to come next in this crazy life. Just be true to your heart—do what God is telling you is the right thing, even though it may carry great risk. It might just bring the greatest reward you never imagined could be possible.” Zach looked pointedly at Elam.

  “I just don’t know how I’m going to break the news to Megan.”

  “Do you love Megan?”

  Elam shrugged. “How does one determine something like that? I mean, I enjoy spending time with her. And she’s really sweet.”

  “Okay, let me put it this way. If you were to break things off with her right now, would her memory be greater to you than any other woman?”

  Elam grimaced.

  “Is that a ‘no’?”

  “It’s not that I don’t care for her. I do. But I don’t know if anyone’s memory can surpass Julianna. I feel like I left most of my heart with her. I would have married her in a heartbeat. I just felt like I had this connection with her that I’ve never felt with anyone else.”

  “Then it sounds like you may have your answer.”

  A voice came from the kitchen and both Zach and Elam looked up. “What’s this about getting married? Elam Zook, is there something you haven’t told me?”

  “Oh, hi, Grandma Brooks.” He stood up and gave the woman a hug. Although they called her ‘Grandma,’ she was closer in age to his parents.

  Frank and Betty Brooks had taken Zachariah in after he returned from the war, broken in both body and soul. They had lost their own son, Tommy, in that same conflict in the Middle East. It was through them that Zach had come to Christ and eventually recovered from his PTSD, although he still occasionally had to fight falling back into depression from the flashbacks. But having loved ones nearby helped immensely in dealing with the past and recognizing his sense of purpose in life once again.

  “Are you thinking of marrying Miss Megan? I hear you two have been seeing an awful lot of each other lately.”

  Elam grimaced. “No, someone else, actually.”

  “Oh, my. Now this I gotta hear.” Grandma Brooks planted herself down on the sofa next to Elam and patted his knee. “Poor Miss Megan. The way that girl looks at you, I can tell she’s smitten.”

  Elam took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a sudden thing, yet not really. Okay, let me get you up to speed. Do you remember me talking about a girl named Julianna?”

  Grandma Brooks shook her head. “Can’t say I do. This old memory isn’t what it used to be.”

  “Anyway, she’s one of the reasons I left the Amish. She was my girlfriend for about a year until she broke up with me for another guy. I figured they’d gotten married and lived happily ever after.

  “Well, I went back several months ago to satisfy my curiosity, I guess you can say. The wedding between the two of them never happened, and apparently, she never married anyone else. When I asked around of Julianna’s whereabouts, I finally was informed that she had died.”

  Grandma Brooks gasped and touched Elam’s hand. “Oh, dear. I’m so sorry, Elam.”

  Elam shook his head. “But here’s the thing, Grandma Brooks, Julianna didn’t die.”

  “What?”

  “I know, it sounds crazy. And crazy is exactly what this whole thing is. It seems like Julianna had been going through quite a bit, emotionally speaking, and they didn’t know how to help her—I really don’t know the whole story yet, though—and they sent her away to a psychiatric hospital.” He was certain the anger showed through his face each time he shared that bit of information with anyone. It was difficult to say the words, let alone picture Julianna sitting in a mental institution for years, all alone and amongst complete strangers. He could only imagine how frightened she must have been. He continued to ask himself, What if I would have been there to protect her, to speak up for her? How different would her situation have been?

  “Anyway, the bishop or her father has to consent to her release. The bishop seems to be worried that she will leave the Amish, and he’d rather she stay at the institution than jump the fence.”

  Grandma Brooks frowned. “What?”

  “I know it may not make much sense to outsiders, but as a former Amish man, I can somewhat understand where he is coming from—not that I agree with him in any way, shape or form. You see, to the Amish, if a member leaves the church, they believe they are doomed to most certain Hell. So, in the bishop’s mind, Julianna being in an institution is preferable to Hell.”

  Grandma Brooks gasped.

  “I went and spoke to the bishop, and he was surprisingly reasonable. I told him that I would rejoin the Amish, and marry Julianna. That would secure her future in the Amish church, thus saving both her and myself from impending Hell, in his eyes.”

  “And he agreed to this?”

  “He did.”

  “And what did Julianna say? Have you spoken with her?”

  “I have spoken with her, but not about marriage.”

  “This young lady, is she a believer?”

  He read the concern in Grandma Brooks’ countenance.

  Elam shook his head. “I’m pretty sure she is not. I tried to speak with her about it, but her head is so muddled right now with all the medication they have her on. I don’t think she understood a word.” He felt like crying at the thought.

  “The Bible speaks against being unequally yoked with non-believers.”

  “I do understand that…”

  “I hear a ‘but’ coming next.”

  “But I can’t help but think of certain stories in the Bible. Remember Hosea? God told him to marry a harlot.”

  Grandma Brooks laughed. “How many men have used that story out of context, I wonder?”

  “Okay, I do know the context of the story of God’s love toward Israel. But what about the theme of sacrifice? Isn’t that what Hosea did? Isn’t that what Jesus did? They laid down their lives for their bride.

  “And God is not willing that any should perish, right? Julianna will certainly perish in body, soul, and spirit if she stays there, I’m certain of it. I know it’s not a guarantee, but I’m almost positive that Julianna would accept Christ as her Saviour if given the opportunity. But where she is now, it’s impossible. She barely speaks and she can’t even think straight.

  “I love her. I want to help her find her way back.”

  “And what if she doesn’t accept Christ, then what?”

  “Then I’ll spend the rest of my life being the best husband and example I can be to try and win her.”

  She patted his hand. “I have no doubt that you will be, Elam. She would be blessed to have you as her husband. But, you are taking a great risk.”

  “I realize that.”

  “I’m guessing you haven’t brok
en the news to Miss Megan yet.”

  “No, not yet. Please pray for me. For her.”

  “Oh, I do, honey. But I will add a few extra prayers in there.”

  “Thanks, Grandma Brooks. I really do appreciate it.”

  “I know you do, Elam.” A sad look flashed in her eyes. “I guess that means we won’t be seeing much of you anymore.”

  “Probably not, but I’ll try to visit when I can.”

  “Zach still needs you as a friend, so don’t be gone too long and visit often.”

  He nodded in understanding.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  The clamminess of Elam’s hands was only a minor annoyance as he sat in the midst of this group of men—Bishop Hershberger, Minister Zehr, Minister Borntreger, Deacon Schwartz, and Obadiah Yoder. He took his hat off and rotated it in his hands. It felt strange, yet not, to be dressed in Amish clothing once again. He’d shaven his goatee and done everything he could to gain the favor of this group and prove his sincerity. He’d left his truck at his folks’ place and borrowed their buggy to attend this meeting.

  He now looked at each one as they sat chatting—as though this wasn’t one of the most pivotal occasions in his life. This was his moment of truth—the thing he’d been dreading and looking forward to both at the same time.

  The bishop addressed the group, “As you know, Elam Zook has expressed a desire to rejoin our community and marry Julianna Yoder.” He turned to Julianna’s father. “Obadiah, you are agreeable to this, correct?”

  “Jah.”

  “I, too, feel this will be beneficial for our community and for Julianna.” The bishop looked at each of the men. “Do any of you have any questions or concerns?”

  Deacon Schwartz nodded, his mien shrouded in suspicion. “He has been Englisch for several years now. How do we know he’s not going to influence our young folks to embrace the Englisch ways?”

  Elam spoke up, “I have no intentions of doing that. My desire is to marry Julianna, raise a family, and live a quiet and peaceable life amongst our people.”

  Minister Borntreger spoke now. “Will he have a time of proving?”

  “We have yet to discuss that,” Bishop Hershberger said. “I recommend sixty days. This will give Elam time to sell his worldly belongings and find a suitable home within the community.”

  Elam frowned. He’d hoped he would be exempted of a proving time. “Does it have to be sixty days? I’d hoped to have Julianna released as soon as possible.”

  “Julianna will be released to her father’s care this week,” the bishop assured.

  Obadiah spoke up. “Once you get your affairs in order, you may begin courting her.”

  “Does anyone know of any property for sale?” Elam didn’t have the money yet, but as soon as he sold his current home, he’d have a decent down payment.

  “There’s a few acres with a small house out on Cherry Ridge Road. It’s just down from the school house a couple of miles.” The deacon suggested.

  “I don’t know what you’ll have in terms of cash, but there’s a pretty nice piece of land across from the Stolzfoos ranch.” Minister Zehr chimed in.

  That was the last place he’d consider. And something he’d never be able to afford. He’d be insane to move across the street from Julianna’s ex-boyfriend.

  “Thank you. I’ll contact my realtor and see if there are any other places as well.” Elam nodded.

  “You’ll need to sell your vehicle as soon as possible. The sooner you embrace the ways of our people, the better.” Bishop Hershberger met his gaze. “I assume you’ll move into your folks' place for now?”

  He knew the bishop’s comment had not been a request but a command. Elam now had a dilemma. How would he go about getting to work every day?

  “My job is in town and I’d hoped to live in the house until it is sold. Having a vehicle is necessary to—”

  “So you do not wish to return to your Plain community then?”

  “No, I—”

  “Then you will find a way. Just like any other Amish man would. The sooner you embrace our ways, Elam, the lighter your burden will be.”

  He wanted to scoff at that comment. Every man present knew that the Amish did not carry a ‘light’ burden. No, being under a yoke of bondage and having a taskmaster over you was unpleasant at best. Would he truly be able to conform to the Amish ways after being free these last few years? For Julianna’s sake, he had to.

  “Okay. I will do what it takes.” Elam sighed.

  “Gut. I’d hoped you’d say that. You will make a kneeling confession in front of the congregation at the next meeting. Are you agreeable to this?”

  “Jah.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Elam held Megan close as they swayed back and forth to the music. The aroma from her scented candles still tantalized his senses every time he was in her home. More than just a smidgen of regret filled his heart. This would most likely be the last time in her home—their last dance.

  Somewhere along the line in their relationship, they’d stopped waltzing and employed slow dancing instead. This was easier and somehow more intimate. She leaned her head on his shoulder and turned to look at him. What usually came next was a kiss, but he couldn’t offer one.

  Not now.

  She felt wonderful in his arms, but he could no longer do this. He had to tell her the truth. This beautiful woman he’d come to know and respect and care for would never be his life mate.

  Guilt seeped in and anchored itself inside his soul. It wasn’t fair, not to her or Julianna, considering what he’d promised Bishop Hershberger and the Amish leaders. Julianna and he would be married soon, and dancing intimately with another woman—one who would never become his wife—suddenly felt wrong. It would be difficult, but he had to tell Megan everything.

  He stopped dancing and pulled back.

  Megan’s eyes searched his. “Is something wrong, Elam?”

  He sighed. “We need to talk.”

  Elam motioned toward the couch and they sat down. He took her hand in his and inhaled a deep breath. “Megan. You have been amazing. But there’s something I need to tell you.”

  She nodded for him to continue. If she was worried, she didn’t let on.

  “Sheesh, I don’t know how to say this. Let me start at the beginning.”

  “Okay.”

  “Remember how I told you that I used to be Amish? Well, I used to have an aldi—a girlfriend—but we broke up. I left not too long after that.

  “Before you and I started dating, I went back to my community to see how Julianna was getting along and learned that she had passed away. Or, that’s what I was led to believe. Anyway, I somewhat recently found out that she didn’t die. She’d been hospitalized for…some problems.”

  He rushed through the rest. “To make a long story short, I asked to have her released. But the only way the bishop would agree to it is if she joined the church as a baptized member and got married.”

  This was the tough part. He locked eyes with Megan and grimaced. “I said that I would…” He swallowed hard. “That I would marry Julianna.”

  “Whoa, wait.” Megan frowned and he could almost see thoughts of confusion running through her mind. “So, let me get this straight. You told the Amish bishop that you were going to marry her?”

  He now detected tears in her eyes. How he hated causing other people pain—especially someone as sweet as Megan.

  Elam hung his head. “Yes. And I’m rejoining the Amish.”

  “Elam, we’ve been dating for six months. Six months! When you said you wanted to talk, I was hoping you had in mind to propose or at least offer me a promise ring.” She brushed away a few tears and Elam noticed her hands shaking. “I…I don’t know what to say. I thought we had something special together.”

  “We did.” He swallowed.

  “Then why would you do this? Why would you ask somebody else to marry you?” Her quivering voice rose an octave. “Help me understand this, Elam! Tell me th
e truth. Is she pregnant with your baby?”

  “Pregnant? No!”

  “But you’ve been seeing her while we’ve been dating?”

  “I have seen her a few times, yes.” While he hadn’t been dating Julianna, as he figured was Megan’s thought, he didn’t say it outright. Because if he were honest with himself, just seeing Julianna made him fall in love with her all over again. And that would be just as bad, if not worse, than dating her. She’d always be his true love, it was something he couldn’t deny. Even if Megan was a wonderful person—even if her heart was most likely breaking right now.

  “Great. I can’t believe this. I really can’t, Elam. I thought for sure you… I meet this perfect guy. Perfect. He’s sweet, he’s kind, a Christian, and my father even approves of him.” She shot up from the couch and broke down in tears, his words fully registering in her mind no doubt.

  “I’m sorry, Megan.” He stood and attempted to pull her close, but she pushed him away.

  “You’re sorry? Just don’t, Elam. I’d rather you just left now.” She turned her back to him.

  “Megan…” He reached to touch her shoulder then dropped his hand before making contact.

  “Just go. Please. Don’t make this any harder than it is.”

  He hated to leave her this way. He hated the fact that he seemed like a total jerk. But what option did he have? Megan could never understand. He had to try and reassure her. “It’s nothing you did.”

  She nodded.

  “I do care for you, Megan. Please don’t think that I don’t. That I didn’t. My heart was invested in this relationship too.”

  A scornful laugh leapt from her lips and she spun around, demanding truth with her gaze. “Really, Elam? No, your heart was not invested in me at all. That’s quite obvious.”

  “If there was another way…”

  “You’re acting like you have no control over this situation. You chose to see another woman while we were still dating. I call that unfaithfulness. You—”