A Secret Sacrifice (Amish Secrets--Book 5) Page 13

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  Rosanna heard the footsteps, but she didn’t turn at the sound of them. It wasn’t John. It would never again be John’s footsteps approaching. Oh, how she wished she could just disappear and cease to exist.

  “Rosanna?” Magdalena’s gentle voice called.

  She looked up when she felt her friend’s hand on her shoulder.

  Magdalena sat down next to her on the couch – the couch where she had sat in John’s lap just a few days ago. To be able to feel his arms around her just one more time!

  “Can I help you with something? Would you like to talk?”

  Her friend had always been thoughtful and kind. “Nee. Talking won’t bring John back.” Another avalanche of tears cascaded down her cheeks.

  “No, it won’t. But it might make you feel better.”

  “I don’t see how that’s possible.” She pushed the wetness off her face. “He was just going to take Zach home. Not even twenty minutes away. I don’t understand, Magdalena. Why didn’t God direct the deer along another path? Why did it have to be in front of John? Why did Zachariah have to show up here drunk? We were having such a gut time here with my folks. We just told them about the boppli.”

  Magdalena’s mouth draped open. “Boppli?”

  “I maybe shouldn’t have said anything.”

  Magdalena put a hand on her hip, feigning offense. “You intended to keep this secret from your best friend? Oh, Rosanna, I think that is wonderful that you are going to have a sweet little one to remember John by! You’ve been given a special gift.” She chuckled. “And I can’t say I’m surprised by the way I saw you and John kissing that day.”

  Rosanna giggled just a little. It had been her first bit of happiness since hearing of John’s death.

  “See? Now that’s how John would want you to be.”

  Rosanna nodded. “You’re right. He loved making me laugh.”

  “Well, I think that whenever you feel down, you need to think of one of John’s jokes.”

  “It’s hard. You’ll never know what a gut, gut man John was.”

  “No, but you do. And I’m glad that he left you with fond memories. You know, not everybody gets that blessing.”

  “Well, jah. But they’re not all gut memories. I’d been frustrated with him a lot lately.”

  “Whatever for? You guys looked so happy at the wedding.”

  “Remember what happened at the wedding?”

  “You mean the drunk Englisch guy who said he kissed you?

  She nodded. “Yep, that’d be Zachariah Zook. He used to be Amish. And he was John’s best friend.”

  “Oh.”

  “Zach left and became a soldier. He lost part of his leg. Anyway, he’s been drinking a lot and John has been trying to help him stop. He hoped to bring him back to our people.” Rosanna sighed.

  “And that was a bad thing?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe I was just being selfish to want my husband home with me. I just felt like Zach was stealing him away from me. And it’s true. Now John’s gone and I’ll never be able to look at his face again.”

  “I don’t think it was selfish – of you or of John. I think you were just kind of caught in the middle of all of it. Of course John would want to help his best friend, right?”

  “I suppose so.”

  “So, what’s going to happen with Zach now that John’s gone? Do you think his drinking will get worse?”

  Honestly, she hadn’t thought much about Zach in a compassionate way. She’d been so angry with him. She was still angry with him. “I don’t know.”

  “Is he shunned?”

  Why was Magdalena asking all these questions about Zach? She didn’t want to think about him right now. She sighed. “Yes.”

  “So, he basically has nobody now that John’s gone?”

  “I – I don’t know. I guess so.”

  “That’s really sad. I hate to say it, but it wouldn’t surprise me if his funeral isn’t too far off.”

  Rosanna’s jaw dropped.

  “Think about it, Rosanna. He has no family or friends. He’s injured from the war so he probably can’t do too much. It’s no wonder he’s drinking.”

  Put that way, Rosanna felt ashamed. How was it that John and Magdalena could both see it, but she was blind to it? “But it’s his own fault.”

  “For leaving, maybe. But how could he know that all this would happen?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about Zachariah Zook. I’m sorry, Magdalena.”

  “No, that’s okay. We don’t have to. Just think about it some.”

  Rosanna nodded.

  “Well, I’m gonna go heat up some supper for us. We have all this delicious food here. You know, if you freeze some of it and take it out here and there, you’ll probably be set for at least a month. Maybe I’ll move in.” She smiled.

  “Ach, I would love that.”

  “Me, too. But I don’t think Mamm and Dat will allow it.” She stuck out a pouty lip. “They’ve already mentioned how worldly Honey Ridge is. You’ve got me for another week, though.”

  “I’m glad. You will be a big help to get my mind off John. Denki for being here for me.”

  “That’s what gut friends are for. And when my future husband dies, I expect you to do the same.” Magdalena laughed, despite the serious nature of her comment.

  Rosanna shook her head, but breathed a prayer of thanksgiving for her friend.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Zach couldn’t believe it. He’d been sober for three weeks now! It had been the three most excruciating weeks of his life, and not just because of the lack of alcohol. It was true that the alcohol had helped to dull some of the physical pain and temporarily forget his emotional struggles, but now he had another hardship piled onto his mountain of troubles. He’d lost one of the best gifts he’d ever been given – the gift of John’s friendship. His inability to cope had cost him more than he cared to admit.

  How could God take him from this world? Rosanna needed him. He needed him.

  If only he could have gotten sober before John’s death. If only they could have had a two-sided friendship his last remaining days on earth. But it was too late. John was dead, and it was entirely his fault. There was absolutely nothing he could do to bring him back. There was nothing he could do to make things right. He’d never be able to apologize. He’d never be able to thank his best friend for the selfless devotion he’d poured into their relationship.

  Because of his alcohol dependency, Rosanna had lived alone most of her brief married life. He’d stolen the precious time she could have spent with her new husband. She hadn’t even known about the activities he and John had been involved in. She hadn’t known about John’s conversion, unless he’d told her the day of his death, which was quite possible.

  That was the only thing that now brought comfort to Zach’s soul. He knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that John was in Heaven. And he knew that, because he’d accepted Christ just after John’s death, he would see his best friend again someday. God was truly gracious.

  Who knew that it would take John’s death and his own conversion to cure his idiocy? God knew. Which now made him wonder, what did God have planned for his future?

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  Zachariah knew he was well on the way to recovery, and for that he was thankful. He currently met with the pastor twice a week and he’d been offering a lot of Godly counsel. He found that most of his inner spiritual turmoil had stemmed from false interpretation of certain passages of Scripture.

  He desperately wanted to know what God said, especially in regard to non-resistance, a long-held belief of his Amish ancestors. They’d always taught that military service, or being a peace officer, went against Jesus’ teachings on loving your enemies. Killing was wrong, no matter what.

  “The Bible says, Thou shalt not kill,” Zach reasoned with the pastor.

  “I’d like to show you something, Zach.” The pastor opened his Bible to the book of Matthew. “Do you rememb
er the story of the young rich man that came to Jesus?”

  “I think so. He went away sad because he had much worldly goods.”

  “That’s right. But there’s something else that struck me as interesting about that passage.” He turned to chapter nineteen. “Remember when Jesus cited the Ten Commandments?”

  Zach nodded.

  “Jesus says something very interesting here, and I think a lot of people miss it. Let me read. Jesus saith unto him, Thou shalt do no murder.” He looked up at Zach. “Did you see that? Jesus defined for us what the commandment means.”

  “So, thou shalt not kill means thou shalt not murder?”

  “Exactly. Look at this way, Zach. God’s Word will never contradict itself when rightly divided. If we’re confused on some point, I guarantee you we’re reading it wrong. That’s why we’re exhorted to study God’s Word.” He turned to another passage. “Do you realize in Romans, the Bible calls those that bear the sword ‘ministers’ of God? Those that bear the sword would be police officers and soldiers. Imagine if only ungodly men held these positions. Do you think they would be protecting you?”

  “I imagine not.”

  “Also, if you look in the book of Nehemiah, the people were commanded to fight to protect their families. I don’t think God is against people protecting themselves. As a matter of fact, the Bible says that he that provideth not for his own is worse than an infidel. I would say that protection is a basic need.

  “Do you know what the Lord required of His people in the Old Testament?”

  Zach shook his head.

  “To do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with their God. There is nothing just or merciful about letting an evil person slaughter your loved ones.”

  Hmm…Zach thought for a moment. Then the story of Jacob Hoschtetler is wrong?

  “It is true that Jesus said to love our enemies, and we should. We should love our neighbor and do good. But that doesn’t abrogate the fact that we need someone to bear the sword, someone to execute justice. Officers of the law don’t go around killing people, at least not without just cause. Their job is to keep the peace so that we can live without fear, so we can live in freedom.”

  Zach nodded. “Why does it seem so clear? And why do others not see these things?”

  “Zach, I think a lot of times people approach the Bible with their own ideas. When they have their own ideas, they want to justify them. What each one of us should be doing is opening ourselves up to the truth, no matter if it challenges our thinking. Because, when it all comes down to it, it won’t matter what you believe or what I believe. What matters is the truth. You can believe the sky is bright green if you want to and I can believe it’s purple, but in reality it’s blue. It’s the same with religion. One person can believe in Buddha and another can believe in Muhammed, but God will always be God and Jesus will always be the only way to Heaven. One cannot change the truth by not believing it.”

  Wow! If only the Amish leaders would sit down and discuss the Scriptures with the pastor. But Zach knew the chances of that happening were nearly impossible.

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  Since Magdalena had returned to Indiana and the flow of visitors faded, Rosanna found that she had more and more time to herself. Time that she used to spend cleaning, gardening, and sewing, all the while dreaming of her husband and their bright future, was now spent sitting, rocking, crying, and thinking. Thinking about her poor babe, who would never know its daed. Thinking about John and the way things used to be. Thinking about Zachariah Zook, and how all of it was his fault.

  Her anger was like a rock weighing on her chest and she longed to release it, to find the root of her trouble and unleash her emotion. She tried to think of her friend's words and feel sympathy for Zach, but if he was miserable, it was all his fault. No one forced him to leave their people and join the military. No one forced him to drink. No one forced him to ruin his life. In fact, the one person who'd tried to help him ended up suffering and being killed – all because of Zachariah Zook.

  Rosanna knew the hate festering inside of her wouldn't help, but she was powerless to stop it. Just as she'd been powerless to keep John away from Zach.

  When a knock shook her door that morning, she was tempted to pretend she wasn't home. She doubted she could feign a normal conversation right now. Wondering who would visit her when most Amish folks were busy at home working, she peeked out the window and frowned at the sight of an unfamiliar car. Who was it?

  She reluctantly opened the door and froze.

  “Hello, Rosanna.” Zach's tone held caution. If he knew how she felt about him, it would hold fear too.

  She didn't respond, didn't invite him in.

  “I came to apologize... for everything I've done. I've been so selfish.”

  Still, she remained silent.

  “May...May I come in?” If her heart hadn't been so callous to him, she would have cried at the hesitance in Zach's once-confident voice.

  Despite herself, she opened the door a bit wider, allowing him inside the house. She shut the door after him.

  “I'm so sorry for your loss, Rosanna. Can you please forgive me?”

  Her heart hardened at the tears in his eyes. There was no possible way he hurt as badly as she did. “How can I possibly forgive you when you took John from me? He was the only man I ever loved and he's gone. He's gone because of you. He'll never see his own boppli because of you.”

  “Boppli?” Zach's shoulders slumped further. “Rosanna, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help-”

  Somehow, his sympathy made things worse. “You can't! There's nothing you can do to bring him back. Why did he have to die? Why my husband? He was innocent. He didn't deserve to die.” Tears stung her eyes and she was helpless to stop them. Just as she was helpless to stop the flow of words.

  “I…I hate you, Zachariah Zook! And if I never see you again, it’ll be too soon.” Rosanna could no longer keep her emotions at bay. She was tired of holding all of her anguish inside. “If you hadn’t gone into the military, none of this would have happened. You go off and leave all your family and friends to fight for something that we’re against. You thought you’d come home as some sort of hero. Well, guess what? You’re not the hero. You got injured and started drinking, and who tried to save you? John! He was the hero. And then you…you killed him!”

  Zachariah hung his head and spoke softly. “If that’s how you see it, then I suspect you’d never believe the truth anyway.”

  “The truth? What are you talking about?” She pushed away a frustrated tear.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  He moved toward the door of Rosanna’s home. His hand paused on the handle. Why did I even come here? “Just…never mind. Forget I said anything.” Zach shook his head. “Goodbye, Rosanna.”

  “No. You will not leave like that! Tell me what you meant by what you just said,” she insisted.

  He sighed. He shouldn't have said anything. Rosanna wasn't ready to hear what he had to say. Right now, she wanted someone to blame for her grief. Though he couldn't fault her, he longed for her to know the truth. But should he really be telling her this? He had to. She had to know. “You really wanna know, huh? Well, this was all for you.”

  “What do you mean for me? Don’t you dare go blaming your problems on me!”

  “Incredible.” He shook his head. She was too blinded by her emotions now. He should just leave.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Never mind. I shouldn’t tell you. You wouldn’t believe the truth anyway. Not coming from me.” Would she even care what the truth was anyway?

  She swiped at a tear. “I want to know.”

  “I don’t think you do.” He turned to go.

  A surprisingly firm grip on his arm stopped him. “Tell me.”

  Slowly, he turned to face her. “Fine. I left because John didn’t want to go. He’s the one who signed up for it. He’s the one who wanted to be a soldier.”

  Her brow wrinkl
ed in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  “John was going to jump the fence. I thought he was crazy when he told me he’d joined the military. It was just before your family moved here. You know, our people have always been against war. He had every intention of being a soldier and most likely leaving the Amish. His folks didn’t know. No one knew.”

  “I don’t know if I can believe that.”

  Praying she would believe him, Zachariah continued, “He begged me to take his place after he met you. He must have fallen for you pretty hard. He didn’t want to leave and ruin his chances with you. Remember the last night before I left? Our conversation on the porch? That’s why I wanted to be sure that you weren’t playing games.”

  Rosanna shook her head. “But why would you do that?”

  “I really didn’t want to, but I saw it as a way to keep my best friend here amongst our people. I just couldn’t imagine him leaving and the heartbreak it would cause in the community. He’d found you. And that meant he’d probably get married and stay. You were the answer to my prayers.

  “We’ve always been told we look so much alike that we could be brothers. When John got his driver’s license, it was amazing how much his picture looked like me. He’d already completed all the paperwork and what not. All that was left to do was to report for duty. So, after John explained everything he knew about the military to me, I went in and took his place. We didn’t even know if it would work. It was a shot in the dark, and if we were ever found out…” He sighed. “And the funny thing about it is, from the time I was in basic training to when I served in the Middle East, and my whole time in the military, I had to tell myself I was John Christner. The guys actually called me Farm Boy.” He chuckled. “To this day, the government thinks I’m John Christner.”