A Secret of the Soul (Amish Secrets--Book 6) Read online

  ~

  Elam awakened to the sound of murmuring in the kitchen. He rolled over onto his side and allowed his gaze to roam over his wife while she slept.

  Although she’d only been on her wellness regimen for about a month, he could already see the physical effects it was having on her.

  Her skin appeared to have taken on a glow of sorts. The doctor had said not to be alarmed if her skin turned a yellowish-orange, and that this was a natural result of drinking the carrot juice and a sign that the body was doing its job in detoxifying itself.

  Another thing he’d noticed was that her weight had decreased and she appeared to be slimmer than when he’d seen her in the psychiatric hospital. From the literature he’d read, he knew the weight gain was a common side effect of the medication she’d been taking.

  But what he was most excited about was the effect it seemed to be having on her emotions. She seemed to have more and more good days and fewer bad days.

  He leaned close and kissed her cheek, but did his best not to awaken her. No doubt she was tuckered out from the night before. By the time they’d reached home last night, Julianna had already fallen asleep on his shoulder. He had carefully lifted her from the buggy and deposited her where she still lay, peacefully sleeping in the blue hand-sewn dress she’d worn for their wedding ceremony.

  He quickly dressed and went to the kitchen, where he’d heard activity earlier. Perhaps he could help with chores or begin cleaning up at the neighbor’s house from last night’s festivities.

  “Would you like a cup of coffee, Elam?” Julianna’s mother offered.

  He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and yawned. “That would be wunderbaar, denki.”

  “Julianna is still sleeping?”

  “Jah. I wanted to let her rest. She was very tired last night.” He took a sip of the steaming beverage in from of him, the heat scalding his taste buds. He never understood how some people could drink their coffee so hot.

  She held up a mason jar with white liquid inside. “Would you like some milk?”

  “Yes, please.” She smiled and he poured some in, dropping the temperature down to something drinkable.

  “She usually awakens about ten.”

  Elam’s eyes widened. “Ten?”

  “Jah, then I will make her carrot juice.”

  “I can make it for her today. Will you show me how you normally do it?”

  Julie’s mother smiled. “Sure.”

  He watched as she removed the plastic contraption from the cupboard and took the carrots he purchased every week from the ice box. The electric juicer the elders had rejected seemed much better suited for the task then the flimsy manual machine he now stared at.

  Her mother proceeded to cut the carrots into smaller pieces, then fed them through the juicer’s small chute using the hand crank to push them through to the masticator. Juice dripped into a plastic cup from the bottom and the pulp came out the side and dropped into a bowl.

  “The goats love the pulp,” she commented, then handed the cup of juice to him.

  “That doesn’t seem too bad.” He drank the little bit of juice.

  “Nee, but I tell you that the muscles in my arm have gotten stronger since I started juicing for my dochder.” She chuckled. “Worst part is probably the cleanup. It takes a while to scrub all those little fibers out.”

  “And you do this three times a day?”

  “Jah. I can tell it’s helping her though.” She stuck a finger in the air. “Which reminds me, did she take her medicines last night?”

  “Oh, no. I didn’t even think about it. She’d fallen asleep…” Dummkopp. How could he have forgotten?

  “We forgot one time.” She frowned. “She didn’t do well.”

  “What do you mean?” Elam swallowed.

  “She wasn’t the same. She was angry, seemed withdrawn, kept saying strange things.” Her mother sighed. “Why don’t you stay here with her today and let us tend to the cleanup at the Borntregers’? I’m certain sure she’ll do better with you.”

  “I can do that. But are you sure? I can go help out right now and then return at ten when she awakens.” He’d feel much more useful doing something, especially since he wasn’t in his own home.

  “Whatever you’d like to do, Elam.”

  ~

  Several hours later, Elam wiped the sweat from his brow and set the broom on its hook in the utility room. He glanced around the Borntregers’ gathering room and nodded in satisfaction. Now, he just needed to help move the furniture back into place. He looked up at the clock. Eight-thirty. He decided it was about time to go back to the Yoders’ place to see if Julianna had awakened yet. He’d do that just as soon as the job here was complete.

  Half an hour later, he stepped onto the porch of the Yoders’ home but stopped before opening the door. He heard loud voices coming from inside. One of them sounded like Julianna’s. He quickly opened the door.

  “No! I don’t want it!” Julianna screamed.

  “You need to take it,” her mother urged, holding out her pills.

  Elam walked into the room just in time to see Julianna throw her medication across the room.

  “Julie?” He glanced to her mother, then back to her and frowned. “What is this? What’s going on?”

  Her mother sighed in relief. “Oh, gut. You’re here. She refuses to take her medicine.”

  Elam nodded and silently prayed for wisdom. “I’ll handle it.”

  “Denki, Elam. I must go tend to the wash.” Her mother excused herself, clearly frustrated.

  Elam cautiously walked over to Julianna. He ignored the pills on the floor and stood in front of her. He reached up and caressed her face and brought her gaze to his. “Schatzi, come.”

  He silently led her back to the bedroom they’d slept in. He sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him. Julianna sat down in compliance.

  He took her hands in his and bowed his head. He decided to pray aloud so Julie could hear the prayer as well. “Dear Gott, thank You for this beautiful day that You have made. Thank You for my wife, whom I love very much. Please be with us today in everything that we say and everything that we do. Let the words of our mouths and the meditation of our hearts be acceptable in Thy sight, oh, Lord. Give us the strength we need to honor You today. Amen.”

  Elam draped his arm around Julie’s shoulder and pulled her close. “I love you, Schatzi.”

  Julianna broke down and began weeping. “Nee.”

  “Yes, I do.” He moved to stand in front of her and crouched down to her level. He cradled her face in his hands then took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped away her tears. He placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “You are more special to me than anyone in the world. I want you to get better. I want you to be happy.”

  She nodded.

  “Will you do me a favor and take your medicine? I will make you some juice to drink too.”

  “I like juice.”

  Elam smiled in relief. “Good. Me, too. I’ll make some for both of us.”

  The remainder of the day had gone a little more smoothly, which Elam had thanked God for many times. He told himself that he would never again forget to give Julianna her medicine. He had to remind himself that this was not who Julie was. It was only a cycle in life’s garden that they had to plow through in order to cultivate a harvest. Eventually. Until then, it would take time, patience, and a diligent purposeful tending to, in order to bring forth fruit.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  Elam wiped the final dish and placed it into the cupboard of his folks’ dawdi haus, where they’d been staying. He whispered a silent prayer of thankfulness for the progress Julie had made. There were good days and bad days, it seemed.

  This was a good day. She’d spoken much more than usual at supper tonight and she’d helped with the dishes. Since she seemed to be in a talkative mood, perhaps now would be a good time to get her to open up about the past.

  “Schatzi, I’d like to talk to you about something. I
want you to be honest. You don’t need to fear me getting upset. But I’d like to understand some things.” He rubbed her forearm. “Are you willing to open up to me?”

  “I…I don’t know.”

  He wanted to give her the reassurance she needed. He moved to sit in front of her and took her hands in his. “I promise that nothing that you’ve said or done in the past will make me love you less. And the same holds true now. You need not ever worry about that.”

  She nodded.

  “I’ve heard rumors, but I want to hear the truth from you. Will you tell me why they sent you away?”

  “It’s a very long story.”

  “We’re not going anywhere and I’ve got all night.” He smiled. “Will you share your story with me, please?”

  “It started after you left. Cletus Stolzfoos was courting me at the time.” She looked into his eyes, her expression hesitant.

  He nodded. “I asked. You may continue.”

  “We had been dating for a several months and things seemed to be getting more serious. One night, we were at home and just sitting and talking like usual.” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. “He put his hand on me, under my dress, when we were kissing.”

  Elam felt like going over to Cletus’ house right now and giving him a piece of his mind—and maybe something else. Instead, he did his best to keep his wits about him so Julianna would continue her story.

  “I moved his hand away and told him no, that I didn’t want him to do that. He tried to persuade me to go to my bedroom, said no one would know. He said that other people who were serious were doing that, and we’d probably be getting married before long.” She shook her head. “But I refused. You set a good standard for me, I think. I told him that I would only do that after I was married.”

  “Good.” Elam sighed in relief.

  “He left right away. He was angry with me. He didn’t say as much, but I could tell. That was the last time he took me home from a singing.” She shrugged. “It didn’t really bother me that much. I never loved him like…”

  “Like?”

  “Like you. You know it wasn’t my choice to break things off with you. You know I had to obey my father. And so that is what I did, although I would have rather been with you.”

  “I wish you would have left with me.”

  “Looking back now, I wish I would have too.”

  “So, what happened after Cletus?”

  “Well, he started a rumor, you see. He told everyone, or at least the boys in his gang, that we had…you know…and he said that I broke up with him because I wanted a different boy. One by one, those other boys asked me to ride home in their buggies. I had no idea Cletus had said anything. Anyway, after going with about three boys that all tried to get me to do something, one of them said something about me and Cletus. I told him the truth but he didn’t believe me. After that, I just stopped going to singings all together.

  “But somehow the word got out and everyone, including my father, believed the rumors to be true. It was terrible, Elam. I’d wished with all my heart that I’d gone with you to the Englisch. But the last time we talked, you’d said not to come looking for you. You’d told me that you never really cared.” She chuckled. “I hadn’t believed you back then when you’d said it, but somehow I talked myself into believing it at that time in my life. So I never went looking.

  “It was a lot of pressure with everyone staring at me all the time and whispering. I didn’t have any friends anymore—just my sister Naomi and my cousin Martha who had moved into the community. I told her that I just wanted to go and find you. I told her that I wanted to live with you in the Englisch world—far away from everyone talking about me. Martha was concerned, I think, and she told Daed. He went and talked to the elders about it all—the rumors, me talking about jumping the fence, and about me crying all the time. I thought my life was over. I thought I was destined to become and alt maedel and remain childless my whole life.”

  “And that was when they sent you away, right?”

  She nodded.

  “So, they thought it would solve all their problems. No one would be gossiping around you. The crying gave them a reason to deem you ‘depressed’ and have you committed. And you’d still be safely Amish, thus protecting your soul from Hell.”

  “I think a lot of folks probably thought I went away to have a baby. Only a few people knew where I really was.”

  “Julie, I was wrong to say those words. I only spoke them out of grief. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you. I should have come back to check on you sooner, but I was sure you’d already gotten married and just the thought of it tore me up inside. I finally did come because I had to satisfy my curiosity, at least, that’s what I’d thought. But now I know that it was God leading me to you all along.”

  “I’m so glad you came looking for me, Elam.”

  “It was God. God wants you to know His love, Julie. He wants to heal you and bring you peace. Will you let Him do that?”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “Jesus will come and live inside your heart if you ask Him to come in.”

  “Will He talk to me like the other voices?”

  “I hope He will silence the other voices. And because you will be His sheep, you will know His voice—the voice of the Shepherd.”

  She looked hesitant and Elam wasn’t sure how well she understood his explanation.

  “If you would like to pray, I can help you.”

  She shrugged.

  Elam sensed that she wasn’t ready and he didn’t want to encourage her to make a false profession. Instead, he chose to pray that God would open her eyes and draw her to Him. He really desired for Julie to get saved, but he also knew that God’s timing was perfect.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  “How is Julianna doing with her decrease in meds?” The doctor examined the clipboard cradled in her arm.

  “Pretty good, I think,” Elam said, wondering how her current therapy session was going.

  “Is she still having more good days than bad days?”

  “Jah.”

  “She will most likely continue to have issues here and there.” The doctor peered over the clipboard. “Even after she has been completely weaned. Remember the withdrawal symptoms we talked about on her first visit?”

  “Yes, but you said that those symptoms will eventually disappear.”

  “That’s right. Do you still have the paper on coping skills?”

  He attempted to remember which paper that was. “I think so.”

  “I want you to review that paper with her. It’s important that she knows how to divert her thoughts when things get rough. Our phone number is on that paper along with the suicide hotline. Having someone to talk things through with can be the difference between life and death.”

  Elam swallowed and nodded. He hated to think that Julianna would loath herself and her life so much that she would attempt to end it. But as the doctor had reminded him, it wasn’t her but the effects of the medication that brought on these harmful thoughts.

  ~

  “Before we go shopping, I’d like to visit Zach’s ranch. Do you mind?” Elam whispered to Julianna in the backseat of their driver’s car.

  “That’s fine.”

  Elam informed their driver, then asked him to pick them up at the grocery store in a couple of hours. They’d have Zach drop them off at the store.

  The driver pulled up to Zach’s place and let them off. “I’ll be at Walmart at three then.”

  “Sounds gut.” Elam nodded and watched him drive off. He turned to Julianna. “Kumm.”

  They walked toward the barn and found Zachariah near a stall, surrounded by a few young men. The group turned as he and Julianna walked up.

  “E? Is that you, bro?” One of the young men asked as he stared at Elam and Julianna. “What’s with the threads, man?”

  Elam chuckled. “I’m Amish now.”

  “I can see you got yourself a woman.” Mischief sparkled in the
young man’s eyes.

  “Not just any woman.” Elam squeezed Julie’s hand and grinned. “This is my wife.”

  The young man’s mouth hung open. “You got yourself hitched too?”

  “That’s right. Meet Julianna.”

  The young men came near and patted him on the back. Some shook his hand and Julianna’s hand.

  “Julie, this is Tyrone, Paco, Mikey, JJ, and Homer,” Elam introduced.

  Julianna’s expression was full of questions.

  Elam explained. “They’re good friends of mine. We’ve spent a lot of time together at the youth center. What are you guys doing out here?”

  “Z brought us.” Tyrone motioned to Zach.

  Elam lifted a brow at Zachariah.

  “When you went back, I kind of filled in for you.” Zach smiled. “They wanted to see the ranch.”

  “He said he’s gonna let us ride the horses.” Mikey rubbed his hands together.

  Zachariah shook his head. “Next time, if you have a permission slip.”

  “That’s kinda why we stopped by. Do you mind if I take Julie for a ride?” Elam looked at Julianna to see if she was willing, then at Zach for approval.

  Zach nodded. “You know the ranch is always open for you two.”

  “Well, we don’t have too long. Our driver’s supposed to pick us up at Walmart at three.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I was hoping you or Rosanna can give us a ride there around two?”

  “No problem.” Zach smiled. “You two have fun. You know where everything’s at, so help yourselves.”

  “Will do.” Elam turned to Julianna. “You ready to ride a horse, Schatzi?”

  “Jah.” She surprised Elam by standing on her tiptoes and kissing his cheek, much to the delight of the young men present.

  ~

  The moment Elam spotted the buggies in the driveway, he knew there was trouble. He recognized both of them. One belonged to Deacon Schwartz and the other one was Minister Zehr’s.

  What now? Elam frowned as their driver came to a stop in front of the house. Elam fished out his wallet and paid the driver.

  Sure enough, he spotted the two men standing by the barn waiting.