A Secret of the Heart (Amish Secrets--Book 3) Read online

  Lillianna gasped. “You should be sleeping at that hour. It’s none of your business what Mamm and Dat do. They’re parents. Parents do that kind of stuff.”

  “How come it’s alright for them but not me?”

  “Because it’s their job to protect their children. Your job is to obey your folks, and right now that means helping me with this laundry instead of gazing out at the storm.”

  “I would go find Thomas if I were you.” Mandy snatched up a pair of Dat’s trousers.

  Lillianna chuckled. “And how do you propose I do that?”

  “Go to Pennsylvania and see if he’s still there. If he’s not, ask questions. I’m sure nosy ol’ Ruth will give you some answers.”

  Lillianna gasped again. “Amanda Zook, you need to watch what you say about your elders. That’s disrespectful.”

  “But it’s true!”

  “Maybe so, but we don’t talk about it.”

  “Why not?” She frowned.

  “Well, because. We’re not supposed to speak evil of our neighbor, even if it is true.”

  “But she’s not our neighbor. Ain’t never been.”

  “Mandy, that’s enough.” She stared at the pile of clothes that still needed to be put away. “We need to get these done before Mamm calls us down for supper. Please stop talking and help me.”

  “Okay. But I’d still go see your beau.”

  “He’s not my beau.”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  Lillianna had to bite her tongue. If not, they’d be here all evening.

  <><><>

  The pounding rain prevented Lillianna from sleeping. She pulled her Nine Patch heart quilt up to her chin and smiled when a flash of lightning illuminated her entire bedroom. She’d always loved storms. Well, unless she was out driving in them.

  She shivered when she thought of Thomas’ folks drowning in that flash flood. Had it been a night like tonight when the heavens poured out water by the bucketful? She could only imagine what it must’ve been like for the kinner. What would I have done if we’d lost Mamm and Dat? With all her heart, she wished she could have been there for Tommy. Had someone else stepped in and provided the comfort she might have given? If only Tommy had written.

  Lillianna thought back on her earlier conversation with Mandy. What would Thomas think if she just showed up on his doorstep out of the blue? Would he want to talk to her? What would his wife say about an old friend showing up to see her husband? If he was married, which she was still uncertain of. If she knew for a fact that he was married, she wouldn’t even be contemplating the idea. She needed to find out. But if he wasn’t married, what other reason was there for him to not write back?

  A rumble of thunder in the distance informed Lillianna that the storm was moving on. Hopefully, she could get some sleep now. Otherwise, she’d be exhausted when she started her new job at the restaurant tomorrow.

  <><><>

  “You know, Lillianna, Samuel is from Pennsylvania. It wonders me if he might know anyone from your old district,” Carolanne commented.

  Lillianna perked up. “I’d never thought of that.”

  “He said he lived near Paradise, in Bishop Hostettler’s district. Is that close to where you’re from?” Carolanne held the reins steady as a car passed them on the road. “Didn’t you say something about Paradise before?”

  “Jah! They were just a few miles away. Do you think he knows anyone from Bishop Mast’s district?” Lillianna’s stomach turned cartwheels at the possibility of learning Thomas’ whereabouts. She needed to find out if he really had married. And who. For some reason, she couldn’t picture Thomas with any of the maed from their old district.

  “I could ask.”

  “That would be wunderbaar, Carolanne!” She squeezed her friend’s arm briefly, unable to suppress her excitement. “I’m so glad you asked me to come shopping today.”

  “I needed more supplies for the bake shop, and I needed a break. It seems like it’s been forever since we’ve spent time together.”

  “Jah. I’m glad I didn’t have to go into the restaurant today, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to come. It seems like that job takes up so much of my time.” Lillianna sighed.

  “At least you’re able to save up money to go to Pennsylvania.”

  “Jah. The job is a blessing.” She surveyed Carolanne’s content features. “So, how is married life?”

  “It’s different, for certain sure, but I’m enjoying it. Samuel is all I ever could have hoped for.” Carolanne smiled.

  “Really?” Lillianna raised her eyebrows.

  “Why do you act so surprised?”

  “You know I have my doubts about Samuel.”

  “I do.”

  “Aren’t you the least bit concerned? Don’t you want to know why he just moved here out of the blue? Didn’t his coming seem a little suspicious? Mysterious? I don’t know. I just know that if it was me, I’d have a lot of questions.”

  “Lilly, have you ever considered the possibility that some things are better left unsaid?” Carolanne offered her easy smile, reminding Lillianna how different they were.

  “But what if he had a girlfriend in Pennsylvania? What if–”

  “I’d rather not know. Look, Lillianna, he’s my husband. If he wanted me to know about his past, he would’ve told me. Did he have a girlfriend while we were courting through letters? I don’t know, and honestly, I don’t care. I trust him. And he married me. If he loved someone else, why would he marry me?”

  “You’re probably right. I’m sorry. You know I let my imagination get the best of me sometimes,” Lillianna conceded. “I can’t help but worry about my best friend.”

  “I know.”

  “Samuel does seem like a nice guy,” she admitted.

  “He is. Really.”

  “So, is he a good kisser?”

  Carolanne gasped. “I can’t believe you’re asking that!”

  Lillianna laughed. “Never mind, you don’t have to answer.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  “So, Lilly, Dat and Mamm have been talking about you a lot lately.” Amanda boasted a satisfactory smile.

  “Mm…hm.” Lillianna knew better not to take her bait. She always spilled the beans anyhow, whether she intended to or not.

  “Mamm said she was getting worried ‘cause most young folks are baptized into the church by eighteen or so.”

  “Some join young and others don’t ever join.”

  “You aren’t thinkin’ of not joinin’ at all, are ya? Just because you don’t have a beau doesn’t mean ya can’t get baptized. I heard of folks getting baptized at twenty-four and you ain’t that old yet.”

  Lillianna shook her head. “What difference is a year? I don’t have peace about joining yet.”

  “Dat said they were talking about you leaving.”

  “I have no plans to leave.”

  “What if they make you?”

  Lilly shrugged. “If they make me, they make me. Maybe God has a different plan for my life.”

  “Well, I’m joinin’ next time around. James said–” Amanda gasped and covered her mouth.

  Lillianna laughed.

  “Promise you won’t tell Mamm or Dat anything about James,” Mandy pleaded. “I don’t think they care much for him.”

  “It’s up to you to do the choosin’ and the tellin’. Just make sure that you choose well, because you’ve got to live with your choice for the rest of your life,” Lillianna advised.

  “Do you think it’s better to not marry anyone and become an alt maedel than to marry the wrong person?”

  “I think so.”

  “Well, how do you know it’s the right person?”

  “I would pray about it and ask God to show me if it’s the right person or not. If it’s the right person, God will give you peace about it. But just make sure you’re listening to God and not your own heart.”

  Amanda’s head tilted. “I thought I was supposed to follow my heart.”

  “Following
your heart will lead you into sin. Sin is what we naturally want to do. Our hearts crave it. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. We need to follow God’s Word, not our hearts.”

  Lillianna thought on her own words. Was she following her heart in going to find Thomas or was she following God’s will? God, if you don’t want me to go to Pennsylvania, please make it clear. I desire to do Your will.

  <><><>

  Lillianna smoothed out Mamm’s dress over the ironing board and took one of the small irons off the woodstove. As she forced the wrinkles from the dress, she pondered her musings of late. Today was the day. It was time to speak with Dat and Mamm about her decision. For better or worse, her mind was made up.

  She’d thought long and hard. God hadn’t given her a definite yes on the matter, but she hadn’t heard a no either. Everybody expected her to get baptized and join the church, so that’s what she planned to do.

  Who knows if she’d ever see Thomas again? She did still plan to go to Pennsylvania, but since Samuel hadn’t found any good news, Lillianna figured searching for Tommy would most likely be a lost cause. When and if she learned of Tommy’s whereabouts, she’d decide her next course of action. But for now, to make the bishop happy and set Dat’s and Mamm’s minds at ease, she would consent to be baptized.

  She prayed she was making the right decision.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Lillianna took the handkerchief from her apron pocket and wiped the perspiration from her brow. She glanced up at the clock on the wall and grinned. Just thirty more minutes and her shift would be over.

  Working at the restaurant had been enjoyable and she’d had the opportunity to meet all sorts of people. Just last week, a congressman stopped in and left her a nice tip. The man was friendly, and good-looking, she admitted. But it seemed no man could hold a candle to Thomas. Until she knew without a doubt that he was married, she would hold out hope.

  Samuel had once again enquired about Thomas on her behalf, but no one knew for certain of his whereabouts. He reminded her that the information he’d gotten could be wrong, since it had come from a neighboring district and not from Thomas’ district directly.

  So, Lillianna had made up her mind. She would go back to her old Amish district in Pennsylvania and find her own answers. For better or worse, she had to know the truth. Never did she think it would be five years before she’d saved up enough money to go. Nor did she think she’d be twenty-four and still single. She made a decent amount of money working at the restaurant, but the majority had to go to her folks, which she did not begrudge because that was their way. As a consequence, she was only allowed to keep a small portion of her earnings.

  In just a few more months, her anticipated trip would be fully-funded. As the day grew closer, she could barely contain her excitement or her anxiety. Carolanne reminded her many times that whatever she discovered in Pennsylvania would be God’s will. She just hoped that she’d be able to handle it.

  <><><>

  Carolanne had Lillianna worried. She’d been sick a lot lately. So ill, in fact, that she’d taken an extended vacation from the bakery. Samuel was near certain what Carolanne’s condition was: she was expecting a boppli. They hadn’t visited the doctor yet to confirm it, but they planned on going today. As soon as her shift at the restaurant ended, she would stop by the Beachys’ to hear the confirmation.

  <><><>

  Lillianna entered Carolanne and Samuel’s home. An ominous feeling pricked her soul. Something wasn’t right. Samuel’s greeting wasn’t anything like his normal demeanor. Lillianna had expected Carolanne’s husband to be thrilled beyond belief, but that wasn’t the impression she’d gotten. She recognized something in his eyes. Was it fear? Uncertainty?

  “Ach, Lillianna! I’m so happy to see you. Would you like some tea?” Carolanne offered.

  “Jah. Tea would be nice, denki.” Lillianna studied her friend. Carolanne appeared normal. She didn’t portray a bit of the insecurity she’d noticed in Samuel’s countenance. Perhaps she was overreacting.

  “How have things been at the restaurant?”

  “Gut. How did your doctor appointment go?”

  “Well,” Carolanne smiled, “I’m not expecting a boppli.”

  Lillianna nodded, urging her to continue.

  “Looks like I’ll get to go to Heaven soon.”

  “What?” Lillianna frowned. “What’s going on, Carolanne?” Goosebumps raised on her arms.

  “Lilly, I have cancer.”

  Lillianna’s jaw dropped. “But you’re so young.”

  Carolanne rushed on. “Cancer happens to young and old. The doctors say it’s too far gone to do anything about it.” Tears surfaced in Carolanne’s eyes, but she continued to smile. “I’m not scared. I just hope that Samuel…”

  “Samuel?”

  “Well, do you think maybe you might marry him when I’m gone?”

  Lillianna was at a loss for words.

  “I mean, you don’t have to. I’m just worried about him is all. And since you’re not hitched yet, I thought–”

  “I don’t know, Carolanne. That might not be God’s will.” How could she even think about marrying her best friend’s husband? Especially when Carolanne was still alive.

  “If you’d just consider it… You would like him, I promise. He is kind. He’s been very gut to me.” She wiped a tear away. “If you don’t find your Thomas, or discover that he’s married?”

  “I can’t make any promises, Carolanne, but I will think on it.” She hesitated. “But not until after you’ve gone, which I hope isn’t for a long, long time.”

  “Denki, Lilly. You are a gut friend.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Lilly, there is a group of Amish young folks going to the Grand Canyon next week,” Carolanne reminded Lillianna.

  “Jah, I know. It sounds like a lot of fun.”

  “The bishop asked if Samuel and I would like to go along to chaperone. Since we aren’t going to California until next month, Samuel wants to go.”

  Lilly smiled. The Grand Canyon sounded like an exciting place to visit, but she intended to use her extra money to look for Thomas.

  “I want you to go too.” Carolanne’s eyes reflected the desire in her words.

  Lillianna frowned. How could she say no to her dying best friend? “How much will it cost?”

  “Samuel insists on paying for you. We know that you’ve been saving up to go to Pennsylvania.”

  “Can he afford it? I know how he’s been talking about takin’ you to California.” Tears came to her eyes as she thought about losing Carolanne.

  “Samuel is a gut saver and his buggy shop has done very well. We will have plenty,” Carolanne assured. “And there will be plenty when I’m gone.” She patted Lilly’s hand.

  “Don’t talk like that, please. I don’t want to think about you not being here.” She wiped a tear.

  Carolanne shrugged. “We all have to go sometime. I’m not afraid; I have Jesus. God will take my hand and I’ll step into Heaven.”

  “I wish I was as sure as you are.”

  “You can be, you know. Just ask Jesus to save you and He will.”

  “I don’t know. My family never really believed all that. Bishop Mast’s district had a different Ordnung.”

  “What did Bishop Mast teach?”

  Lillianna shrugged. “Same as most, I guess. It’s prideful to say you’re saved. Only God can know it for sure. We just do our best and hope we’re good enough to get to Heaven.”

  “If that’s the case, then I’m sad to say that none of Bishop Mast’s followers are going to make it to Heaven.”

  Lillianna gasped. How could Carolanne say such things? I am a good Amish woman.

  “If you and the others in your former district are not trusting in Christ to save you, then you have no hope of Heaven at all. God clearly says that Jesus is the only way to Heaven. No church rules can change what God has said in His Word. If you’re trusting in anything else �
� your works, being Amish, your folks, whatever – you will go to Hell.”

  Lillianna could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. She dearly loved Carolanne, but her words were bothersome. “But I’ve never done anything really bad. I’ve never killed anyone and I’ve always tried to be kind to others. I don’t understand. Why would God make me go to Hell for being a good person?”

  “People aren’t barred from Heaven because they’re bad people. Lilly, have you ever told a lie?”

  “Yes.”

  “What does that make you?”

  “A liar. So what? Everyone has lied. Nobody’s perfect, not even you.”

  “Which is why we all need Jesus. I need Him just as much as you do. Don’t you see, Lilly? We are sinners. When we bring what we think are our good works to God, He sees them as filthy, dirty rags. They are an insult to Him. He is absolute holiness, absolute perfectness. Anything less than perfection is not acceptable in His presence.”

  Lillianna frowned.

  “But He loved mankind, so He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die to pay our sin debt. He was the only acceptable sacrifice because He was without sin, perfect in every way. It is only by His blood that our sins can be washed away.”

  She rubbed her temples. “I don’t understand.”

  Carolanne continued on. “When we accept Christ’s payment for our sin, we are acknowledging that we cannot make it to Heaven on our own. You are saying to God that you repent of your unbelief and now believe according to the Truth of God’s Word. When you trust Jesus, you receive His righteousness so that when you stand before God, He sees complete and total perfection. He sees Christ, your substitute. He is the only way to get rid of your sins. No Ordnung or religion could ever do that. No good deeds could ever do that. Only the blood of Jesus.”