An Unforgivable Secret (Amish Secrets--Book 1) Page 3

  Tomorrow she would find out. She didn’t know what she would say to Christian or how she’d confront him, but it had to be done.

  Chapter 4

  Christian entered the Schrock’s barn wondering why Hannah hadn’t come with him tonight. He’d waited at the usual spot, but after about fifteen minutes he’d given up and come alone. He’d been tempted to go up to the house and find out what the problem was but decided against it, given the hour. He hoped she wasn’t sick or anything.

  Although it had been difficult, he had finally broken things off with Kristine. When she asked him why, he simply told her that he was Amish and planned to remain that way. That was enough to scare her off. What Englisch woman would want to give up her carefree lifestyle for a rigid Amish one? None that he’d ever heard of. Of course, there was Brianna Beiler who had sort of become Amish by accident, but that was a different story. Due to a unique, somewhat rare form of amnesia, she had forgotten her previous Englisch life and thought she was Amish. But she hadn’t known that she was ever Englisch in the first place.

  Christian now pondered his future. It felt good to be free of Kristine, like a weight had been lifted. His heart was no longer divided now. He could give all his devotion to Hannah and get excited as they planned their wedding together. Just a few months and she’d be his completely, and boy, was he looking forward to it. Hannah would be the perfect wife.

  As he and Samuel sat around talking and indulging in snacks, more young people began arriving. He informed Samuel that he’d broken up with the Englisch girl, and to that he just nodded. He knew Samuel had never approved of him seeing two girls at once, especially when one of them was their good friend. Samuel and Hannah had been the best friends he’d ever had, so he understood Samuel’s concern.

  Christian pulled out his pocket watch. Apparently, they’d come a little earlier than normal. He usually took his time when driving with Hannah, wanting to spend as many extra moments with her as possible. He caught sight of Hannah’s buggy through the open barn door and his heart skipped a beat. She was so beautiful, like a pure white lily. He couldn’t wait for the drive home tonight. But why had Hannah brought her own buggy? Perhaps her sister Deborah needed to use it to get home.

 

  I don’t know if I can do this, Hannah thought as she neared the barn. She did not want to break down in tears in front of everybody; she’d already done that enough at home today. She had a mind to turn around and head back to the buggy and began to do so when Deborah grasped her arm.

  “Nee, Hannah. You have to do this. Christian needs to be confronted,” Deborah insisted.

  Hannah knew she was right, but it didn’t make the task any easier. With dwindling confidence, she made a beeline for the snack table, hoping the distraction would calm her frayed nerves. She didn’t dare look in Christian’s direction although she knew he and Samuel would be in their usual spot, probably cutting up as they always did. How could Christian carry on a double life? She’d always thought he’d been sincere in his affections toward her. But she was obviously wrong.

  “Hannah,” Christian’s familiar voice echoed behind her. She knew if she turned around they would be face to face, so she kept her back to him. “Where were you? Why didn’t you ride with me tonight?”

  It took every fiber in Hannah’s being not to erupt into a conniption. She grimaced and clenched her fists tightly. “I thought you’d be with your Englisch aldi,” she replied as calmly as her voice would allow.

  Christian’s eyes widened. “Ha – Hannah, I…” Resigned, Christian sighed. “Let’s go outside and talk.”

  Silently, but still not looking in Christian’s direction, Hannah walked outside. As she and Christian neared the Schrock’s white pasture fence, Christian took her arm and stopped her. Hannah hastily pulled her arm away. Just the thought of him touching her after seeing him holding hands with the Englisch girl disgusted her.

  “Hannah…I – I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how you found out, but you must believe me when I say that I’m not seeing Kristine anymore,” Christian said, wishing she’d face him.

  Kristine. It was a name she would now hate for as long as she lived. She wished Christian hadn’t said the name because, before a few seconds ago, she actually liked it. Not anymore. Now the name would forever be synonymous with harlot, thief, and destroyer of dreams. She knew that she was being partially irrational. In fact, the pretty Englisch girl probably had no idea Christian was two-timing her. She was probably just as innocent in the whole matter as Hannah was. Nevertheless, Hannah’s mind wasn’t thinking rationally at this moment. She was running on her emotions, which could be a dangerous thing.

  Christian tentatively placed his hand on her shoulder. “Say something, Hannah.”

  She shrugged his hand off. “You’re right, Christian. I don’t believe you. The Amish man dressed in Englisch clothes at the restaurant last night certainly didn’t act like he was about to break up with his girlfriend.”

  “But I did,” he insisted.

  Hannah spun around and looked him squarely in the eye. “You know what? I don’t care, Christian. You’ve shown me that you are not faithful and I can’t trust you.” She determined not to let him see her cry.

  “Hannah, you must know that I love you.”

  Of all the nerve! “What? You’ve got to be joking. If that’s love, you can keep it for yourself. Or give it to your Englischer. I don’t want any part of it.”

  “Hannah…” Christian hung his head. He realized he’d blown it. “Will you please just give me another chance? I want to marry you.”

  Exasperated, Hannah's shaky voice replied, “You want to marry me? How can you even talk of marriage now?” The tears fell from her eyes, and she was unable to stop them.

  Christian attempted to pull her close, but she pushed him away. “Don’t touch me!” she said.

  “I’m sorry, Hannah.”

  “Sorry isn’t enough.” With that, Hannah stomped off toward the barn where voices were now lifted in song. There was no way her heart could sing now. She’d tell Deborah she was leaving, and then she would go. Hopefully, Deb didn’t mind taking the buggy because Hannah needed to walk off the negative energy she emanated.

  Christian gave up on reasoning with Hannah and decided to go home. He needed to come up with a plan on how he could get Hannah back. This evening definitely didn’t turn out how he’d hoped.

  Chapter 5

  Monday morning, the following week…

  With a gentle swaying motion, the train nearly lulled Samuel to sleep. Ohio was an hour away yet. The time had finally come, not by will, but of necessity. Hopefully Uncle Timothy wouldn’t mind him showing up without prior notice. Nee, Samuel was certain he’d be happy to see him. He and his dat’s youngest bruder had always gotten along well, probably due to their close proximity in age, and they’d bonded over the last summer when Samuel had worked side by side with him in the corn field.

  Samuel thought of the letters he’d hastily written, just prior to leaving: one to his folks and the other to Christian. He’d contemplated penning one to Hannah as well, but decided against it for several reasons. Number one, he worried about it falling into the wrong hands; number two, the letter to Christian pretty much summed things up and he was certain Christian would share it with Hannah; and number three, he just didn’t know what to say to her. His heart ached just thinking of her. Ach, she was so lovely…

  Stop it, she’s not yours, Samuel berated himself.

  Leaving home for gut had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done, especially the way he’d left. But it was the only way. He was certain that if he hadn’t left then and there, his relationship with Christian would not have survived. The love of a woman was not something he wished to contend for, especially when his unsuspecting adversary was also his best friend. Samuel’s decision had certainly not been an easy one. He wished with all his heart that he and Hannah could be together, but not at the cost of losing Christian. He’d already crossed a forbidden boundary – one he never should have been near in the first place.

  No, he could not deny that his heart desired Hannah. Sometimes, though, the heart’s desire is best kept buried deep within oneself and forgotten. And that is what must happen. Christian never need know about Hannah and Samuel.

  As the train car began to slow and then finally halted altogether, Samuel realized that his daydreaming had cost him his much-needed nap. Resignedly, he gathered his things and made his way toward the exit. Now he needed to hire a driver to take him to his uncle’s place. He scanned the perimeter of the train depot in search of a pay phone. In his haste to leave, he’d forgotten his cell phone on his dresser at home. But maybe it was best that way. If Hannah tried to call him, he might just up and return home at the sound of her voice. No, this way was best. It had to be.

  “Samuel! Samuel!” Timothy’s voice called from behind him. His uncle walked toward him with purposeful strides.

  “How did you know I’d be here?” Samuel wondered.

  “Paul, your dat, called me this morn when he got your note. He figured you’d be here this afternoon sometime, so I figured I’d save you the hassle of hiring a driver. Besides, time in my buggy will give us a chance to talk about what's botherin' you,” he said knowingly.

  Samuel’s eyebrows rose. “What do you mean by that?”

  “A man doesn’t just up and leave his home from one day to the next unless he’s running away from something. Or someone?” Timothy asked.

  Samuel sighed. “Am I that easy to read?”

  Timothy chuckled. “I guess you are. Want to talk about it?”

  “It was a woman,” he simply said.

  “Ah, that explains it.”

  “Nee, you don’t understand. C
hristian, he’s my best friend. Hannah…” Just saying her name aloud brought sorrow to Samuel’s heart. “She’s his sweetheart. But Hannah and I have gotten too close.”

  “Well, in that case it looks like you made the right decision. Perhaps another maedel will take your mind off the forbidden, jah? Carolanne is over today helping Mary with a quilt for the upcoming auction. I know she’ll be happy to see ya. Mary tells me the two of you have been sending letters.”

  “Jah. Carolanne is a nice maedel.”

  “She’ll make a fine fraa for someone,” Timothy said, then scratched his beard. “Ya know, there’s a small farm not too far from our place – just down the road a piece. Came up for sale a few weeks ago. It’s got a nice shop that would be perfect for your buggy makin’. And there ain’t no buggy makers in these parts. We gotta go all the way to Bishop Burkholder’s district to get our buggies. Ya got any money saved up?”

  Samuel’s eyebrows shot up. This was indeed gut news. Perhaps the Lord was paving the way for him. “Jah, I probably have enough for a down payment.”

  “Gut. Gut. So, ya think you’ll stay?” Timothy’s voice hinted of hopefulness.

  “Jah.”

  “Wunderbaar. I’ll take you over to the Troyer’s old place first thing tomorrow,” Timothy said. “Right now, though, I bet you’ll be happy to hear that Mary’s making meatloaf and mashed potatoes for supper. I reckon she’s invited Carolanne to stay too.”

  “That sounds gut.”

 

  The crickets chirped loudly as Samuel and Carolanne strolled along the path near his uncle’s pasture. All was quiet, except for a slight breeze rustling through the maple trees behind his uncle's barn and a dog barking somewhere off in the distance. His uncle owned a nice spread, much larger than what was currently available in Pennsylvania. That had been another reason coming to Ohio was a gut idea, although he would have been perfectly content to stay in Pennsylvania had circumstances been different.

  Samuel glanced over at Carolanne, who had been contently walking by his side without a word. She was just as pretty as Samuel had remembered. Under her kapp, her blonde tresses shined in the moonlight, which also seemed to bring out her sky blue eyes. Jah, he knew Carolanne would help greatly in taking his mind off of Hannah.

  “I’m glad you came back, Samuel. Why didn’t you let me know you were coming in your last letter?” Carolanne wondered aloud.

  “Uh…it was kind of a last minute decision,” he explained awkwardly.

  “Mary said your folks didn’t know you were coming either. Not until this morning. What made you up and leave so suddenly?” she asked suspiciously.

  Samuel blew out a breath. There was no way he was going to tell Carolanne about Hannah and ruin his chances with her. “I was anxious to start a new life out here. I enjoy my uncle’s family. And I’m closer to you now.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, Samuel told himself.

  Carolanne’s suspicions subsided when Samuel smiled reassuringly and took her hand in his. She was so happy that Samuel had come and had been dreaming about this for nearly a year now. Since she'd first met him, she'd thought he was the most handsome man she'd ever seen. After they'd ridden in his buggy and talked for hours, she'd been able to tell Samuel was a gut, kind man – ideal husband material. From his conversation at the dinner table with Timothy, Carolanne gathered that the two of them were going to look at property tomorrow. Did Samuel have in mind to buy a place right away? And if so, did that mean he intended to ask her to marry him soon. Oh, Carolanne hoped it was so!

  Chapter 6

  November, the following year…

  Christian pulled his suspenders up over his chest, fastened his black vest, and put on his for-gut jacket. A sigh of relief escaped his lips. He and Hannah were finally getting married. Although they had planned on marrying the previous year, circumstances seemed to prevent the event from taking place. He knew he was blessed to be marrying Hannah at all, and that he didn’t deserve her. He’d almost lost her a year ago when she found out he was also seeing an Englisch girl. Jah, he had been a dummkopp, he knew now.

  Samuel had left over a year ago to marry his beloved Carolanne. They were all surprised when Samuel just up and left without saying goodbye to anyone. Well, he did leave a brief note. Christian, I hope you and Hannah will be happy. I’m leaving for Ohio today and intend to ask Carolanne to marry me. Thank you for being a gut friend. Goodbye, Samuel. At least he had left on amicable terms. Christian knew his friend had been disappointed in him when he’d cheated on Hannah.

  He wished Samuel were here now. He missed him. Samuel had never been anything but a good, faithful, caring friend. Christian could really use some advice on how to be gut husband. He was certain that Carolanne had gotten a gut man when she married Samuel. And from the occasional letters Samuel’s brother had shared with him, he knew he was doing well out in Ohio.

  Hannah had troubles of her own and that was a big part of why they didn’t marry last year. Christian was convinced he was the cause of it. As soon as Hannah had found out about his betrayal with the Englisch girl, it seemed as though her life spiraled out of control and her health took a turn for the worse. Some unknown sickness had taken a hold of her, and then it appeared as though a cloud of depression hung over her for months. It almost seemed as though the life had been drained out of her. Christian had no idea how to help her. He’d apologized many times, but somehow, he knew that wasn’t enough. If he had realized what his actions would put Hannah through, he wouldn’t have thought twice about the Englisch girl.

  Now, he just wanted to be the husband that Hannah deserved.

  As he joined Hannah in the upstairs hallway of her folks’ home, ready to descend the stairs and begin their new life together, he could still sense Hannah’s pain. She smiled, but it never fully reached her eyes and brighten her whole face as it had the day he’d asked her to marry him – a week before she’d found out. With all his heart, he wished he could erase the mistakes he had made, but that power didn’t lie within his hands. He drew Hannah close and held her for several minutes, silently communicating his love for her.

  Trust, once lost, could not be easily found. Not in a year, perhaps not even in a lifetime. But Christian would do his best to regain the trust he’d lost. Somehow, someday, he would make it all up to her.

 

  You can do this. Hannah mentally recited the mantra to herself over and over again. This was the original plan, wasn’t it? It shouldn’t come as a surprise. She would marry Christian. Samuel would go to Ohio and marry Carolanne. Why, then, did she feel so out of touch with reality? Why did she feel like she was stuck in a tiny room with no air left to breathe? Why did she feel like she was making the worst, make that the second worst, decision of her life?

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, recalling Samuel’s last words to her. She’d heard them in her head many times over the last year, “I love you, Hannah.” She'd clung to those words for weeks hoping that perhaps Samuel would return, but she knew now those words had been a lie. Samuel had deserted her at a time when she needed him most. She had given him her heart and he disregarded it as though it had been a filthy rag.

  How could she do this? How could she go through with it? Gott, help me. I don’t know what I’m doing. What am I supposed to do? She didn’t know why she was praying. Surely God’s ears weren’t open to her prayers anymore.

  As Christian took her hand, she realized it was too late to back out now. His smile brought a small amount of comfort, but she knew nothing could heal her wounded soul.

  Perhaps a new start would be best. She would simply choose to forget about the past, bury it as best as she could, and hope the skeletons didn’t come back to haunt her. Hannah pasted on a smile and said the words required to become Mrs. Christian Glick. Yes, she and Christian would have a good life together. She was determined to make it a reality.